Don't Speak

a series of unfortunate events.

my sister apparently ordered it last night on pay per view. so it was there waiting on the tivo this morning. after watching last nights pilot of the new series "Over There" which is a new FX drama taking place in Iraq.... and it exemplifies everything that I fear most about going to war. interesting indeed.

then I watched last nights episode of Lost. which featured ther backstory on the former Iraqi Republican Guard soldier who survived the crash. he fell in love with a prisoner, helped her escape and shot and killed a comrade in the process. she apparently ended up dying. all he is left with is a photo of her with "we will meet again in this life or the next" (or somethingh to that effect) on the back. he was supposed to torture her for information... but never did. and vowed never to do soagain.

as "heart chaped box comes on the radio"
**hey, wait I got a real complaint**
**forever in dept to priceless advice**
cmon, sing it.

oh did I mention I'm writing this from the drivers seat of my car parked in my driveway?

so anyways, I watched a series of unfortunate events while I made/ate lunch. I'd seen it once before. wasn't paying attention that closelythis time around. interesting movie it was.

after that I got tired and tried to nap while watching TV. 2 or 3 episodes of M*A*S*H. I don't remmeber. all I know was one episode was about how the mother of a Korean girl misunderstood the relationship between her daughter and the company clerk, which was in fact harmless and even helpful. another concerned the so-called afair between the chaplain and a nurse he was assisting with her attempt at getting into medical school. in fact they shared nothing more than a hug, but he was pretty concerned with how she took the sudden turnaround in their relationship. rightfully so, she was overwhelmed and thought everyone hated her and was on the brink on giving up. but with the help of friends both misunderstandings were worked out and all was well in time for the end credits.

needless to say I didn't get any sleep.

after that I went on a wild van chase looking for a van for sale my dad asked about, but it was no where to be found. then I watched a littleCSI before taking my sister to soccer practice.

my mom was home when I got back. I decided to pick up America (The Book) and read that until my mom eventually left and returned with my sister from soccere practice. an hour later. apparently she just HAD to have THAT soda. so it was like 730 and we had no plans whatsoever for lunch. so leftover beans and tortillas it was. whatever.

after a misunderstand about dishes to be done I decided to retreat back to the livingroom to my book and ipod. aftere my mom still wouldn't leave me alone I attempted to leave. things got way outa hand at that point. so here I sit. in the driveway. the radio my only companion. that and my own thoughts, which can be dangerous. since at the moment I have nothing but time to think about stuff.

Moondance

ive been a little obsessed with.... things lately. like the moon. the ocean. that sorta stuff.

ever since watching the moon rise a few nights ago ive been bent on getting a better view of it... instead of watching rise over city lights. so i took layla for a walk the night after and watched rise from the stands at the baseball field at the highschool. unfortunately i tripped the motion light. oh well.

friday night my mom went out with co workers so i took the kids to the movies. Fantastic 4. it was.... ok. i was actually sort of disapointed with the action in the movie. i mean..... 80% of the movie is spent on trying to figure out how they can lose their powers. and, not to spoit it or anything, but the climactic fight was sort of lame..... they a;; just team up and do like one or 2 things and..... yeah. i hope theirs a sequal during which they can put more plot towards....... a plot. we ate at taco bell. not a bad evening.

saturday we finally got the cabinet doors and shelves finished. after i had to go and buy materials friday. speaking of which, my mom owes me money for that. so yeah, otherwise it was a largely uneventful day. i was very tired and i actually napped at some point.

saturday night i was drawn again by the moon. i took layla for a walk, hoping to see it rise again. it didnt. so i went for a drive where i knew it would be dark. camped there for a while. then i decided to drive east. i ended up taking lakeville (highway 116) all the way down to san rafael. i then camped there for a while where it overlooks the bay. still no damn moon. so.... i got on 37 and headed east. little did i know that the next exit after hitting the one lane pass over the bay..... was in vallejo. but by that time, i saw the moon rising. rising up over some distant lights in the east bay. it was so dark and orange. it was amazing. i pretty much watched it completely rise as i drove across the water. watching rise over water was pretty amazing too. then, once i got to mare island, i got off, turned around and drove home, the moon over my shoulder, constantly in my rearview mirror. now.... i wanna see a crescent do that.

sunday there was talk of possibly going into the city and going to the beach down there, but i was actually really wanting to go back to bodega. its closer and prolly nicer than down there. the weather was way nicer than when i went on my own. unfortunately, everyone else had the same idea. once we found a suitable beach that would take dogs (we had Layla and Chica with us) we unloaded and chilled out in the sand for a while. i played with some rocks and watched the tide play with some driftwood. i wanted to go back to the one beach i was at, but we just stayed at Portguese Beach, which was MUCH larger and slightly more crowded. it wasnt as relaxing and quiet as it was before, but fun none the less.

look theres the moon now, peeking through the tree outside into my bedroom window. i wonder who else is loking up at it.....

Secret Smile

did YOU see the moon? i did. it was, on a scale of 1 - awesome, it was swesome.

i was out walking Layla as it was rising. it was all huge and orange. so beautiful. anyone know why its so big and orange when its rising? hm??

anyways.... so i got a letter from AAU today. was hoping deep down it was some sort of grant acception notice.... thing. it wasnt. it was just an invoice essentially, of what i owe the school. yup. 6,850 dollars. wheee!!!!!!! shoot me.

so i took a bit of a road trip today. bruna mentioned going to the beach a few days ago and i havent been able to shake the idea, so i got on bodega avenue and drove west. basicall i kept driving till i saw water. i ended up at the bay, which was less than what i expected. its basically a big circular bay that is essentially a huge fishing pond. the coastline is littered with marinas and mobile parks. kinda got that hopelessly dreary fishing town look about it. kind of cozy.... but kinda depressing. i dunno.

anyways, i decided to keep driving after parking at some mobile park. best decision of the day. cuz down the road, was a windy little road that led up to a beachhead which over looks the ocean. then... i saw a beach down below, and people traversing some steps to get to it, so i followed them. it was nice. very secluded. and only about a dozen people were down there. it was silent, save for the wooshing and roaring of the tide. it was nice to get away from the house, where nothing was happening. cleared my mind and stuff. but it was kinda lonely. pics can be found in the moblog.

and if you're wondering about the title. its a recomendation. nothing to do with the post. unless.... i guess i could relate to that little tiny beach i found. i guess.

what else?

oh yea! i ran nathan's offer of a $500 room in his house for the fall by my dad (thanks again btw, i really appreciate it) .... and he essentially offered my aunt's house (the couch when he is home, his bed when hes out of town) to me for free... so, i might be able to do that. we'll see.

that is all.

I'm Gonna Crawl

so.... i havent yet gotten word about my stupid grant.... so... i guess thats a no? i have no idea. still no word yet on what im gonna do as far as housing. and i dont have a clue about my schedule so i would know if comuting is even a possibility. which id rather it werent. this whole situation sucks. i have no idea how im gonna go to school, or how i am going to afford it, or....... anything for that matter. i pretty much just spend every morning pretending to sleep, and afternoons pretending nothing is wrong, and evenings distracted enough to not have to do either.

yes, none of this will get anything done.... but its alot easier than having to actually think about it and just feel completely overwhelmed by it all. so.... damn solutions, ignorance is bliss. *sigh* to be a child again.....

anyways, in other news......

hmmm....

i guess... thats all.

wow. my life sucks.

Moon Song

so I spent the day mostly siting/lying around. pondering. I've been trying to occupy myself with WoW lately but I've been trading off days with my siblings. today was Chris' turn. this morning the realms were down so my brother broke out the playstation and started playing Ratchet and Clank 3 which he borrowed from a friend a while back. once the realms came up Emily started playing. I watched. she then left to go swimming with some friends, so I started to play. pretty fun game. veryactually.

anyways, my life continues to suck. I decided to do something productive. these cabinet doors have been lying around.... doors that my mom decided to buy I might add.... they've been stained and clearcoated and needed to be steel wooled so smooth em out. just before I started I noticed my back hurt. w/e. I was about halfway through when my mom called. I told her what I was doing, and all she said was "is that all you've done?" like I've got nothing better to do then house work. likeI've got nothing on my mind other than housework.

apparently she came and went while I was still outside, having not even looked at my progress. leaving me and chris to fend for ourselves.thanks mom.

and now she's home. I just got yelled at for not feeding my sisters dog by both my mom and sister..... as my mom knocks overe my play station cuz she decided to slide it across the carpet with her foot......... I'mgonna go for a walk.

oh look I overdrew my checking again. yay!

and we're walking. there's a half moon. no ones saying much on AIM as 3 people sign off. one having ignored a message a sent them, the other 2 without warning. thanks guys, nice talking to you. its a little cold out. maybe I should have put on more than a tshirt and shorts. the moons so bright despiter its only half.... it would be nice to lose some of these city lights.... my back still hurts. I drank coke with "dinner" but I'm tired nonetheless. I think I'm gonna go to bed when I go home. so that when I wake up at 8 in the morning, I'll have had a descent night sleep before entering that place between awake and asleep I find myself in every morning at about that time. no matter how late I go to bed. like this morning. when I went to bed at 4, yet still woke at 8 andjust lay there for a few more hours half asleep, half awake.

I really wish Layla would come back. its really cold and I can't see her anymore. maybe I should have gone to the airport... so I could keep her on her leash, or at least near me....

you know.... I used to have a leash. when I was a kid. my parents had me tethered to them on a coiled leash. yup. todays random fact about me. stay tuned next time when we discuss other obscurities about mychildhood.

as I see a glipse of her in moonlight. its about time. cuz I wanna go home. and get in bed where its warm. and go to sleep where its safe. and dream about things actually working out how i wish they would.unfortunately, only in my dreams.....

Breakway

so summer is in full swing. i can tell by the tone in my mother's voice. its an anual tradition to give me hell during summer to do something, when all i wanna do is relax and slow down and enjoy my days. and i do for the most part until she realizes whats hapened. it sucks. i cant decide whether or not im looking forward to moving down to the city. the prospect is kinda scary for me at the moment.... plus living with my grandparents may be just as bad, i dont know.

in other news my former employer has decided to challenge my claim for unemployment. all thge while i am supposed to be looking for work in order to recieve unemployment, but havent been simply because im gonna want a job down in the city, not here. im not just gonna get a summer job when i can just as well enjoy my summer and get a job once i start spending my weeks down there. so.... im also slowly going broke. my checking has technically already been exhausted and i am now dipping into my savings $100 at a time.

dealing with life here is just getting tiring. i need another vacation. a vacation FROM my family. my mom claims i dont spend much time with my family, whch is reidiculous since i fucking live here. and i spend every day here. i need to escape. before i go insane. or is it too late? on top of that my life is just generally depressing to think about....... like now for instance.

UPDATE: oh good. more good news. looks like plans for staying at my grandmas next semester have been scrapped. yup. i dunno, i guess it has to do with my late nights out and my grandmas inability to deal with my being a responsible adult. because staying out late makes me irresponsible and disrespectful..... no wait, its cause i had my brother and sister with me a couple times........ and theres no telling what kind of evils they will be exposed to, Denny's is just not the family environment it used to be....... when my mom told me that it wouldnt work out, i expected it. i dont know why. maybe it was the tiny it of their conversation i caught as she walked by my door. mayabe its because when it rains it pours.

i suppose tomorow i'll get word that i ddnt get the grant for AAU. oh wait, i have to wait till the 15th before i COMPLETELY lose faith in myself and question my future. cant wait. boy i wish someone around here would actually make things a little easier..... just for a while. cuz.... it seems that everyone around here, with far too few acceptions, is bent on making my life miserable.

i was just thinking, as i squirm in bved unable to get back to sleep, if i were to get up and move and start over somewhere, it would be very easy. i have no job, i need to get out of this house, my school prospects are slowly circling the drain..... i wonder what Europe is like this time of year? Italy has some nice car design heritage. or how bout japan? brazil?

i got nothing. including sleep apparently. its 5 am. ive been awake for the last 2 hours